


In which Remus attempts a serious conversation with Sirius, and it all spirals from there.

by wednesdayj



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Conversations, Gen, Making Babies, almost being stabbed with a fork, half-formed things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdayj/pseuds/wednesdayj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation is almost had, propositions are spontaneously made, and meatballs are definitely fondled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In which Remus attempts a serious conversation with Sirius, and it all spirals from there.

**Author's Note:**

> I found this half-formed thing on my laptop and thought I might as well post it.

Remus was in the mood for a serious and intellectual discussion. However, Sirius was the only one of his friends in the common room. 

“Sirius, do you want children?” He asked, somewhat warily. 

Sirius, who had spent the last twenty minutes trying to lick his elbow, did not seem to have heard the question. “What did I have for breakfast, Moony?”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m worried because I can’t seem to remember what I had for breakfast.” He looked desperate. “It was only two hours ago! What if I’m going crazy? I’m still in my prime! What would all the ladies say?!” By now he was pacing in front of the fire, occasionally reaching up to tug at his shoulder length hair, making it look, in Remus’ opinion, deliciously messy. 

“Honestly,” Remus began. “I think they’d breathe a collective sigh of relief. You are not going crazy, and as for breakfast, an easier question would probably be what didn’t you have for breakfast? The answer would be not a lot. Now, would you please answer my question?” 

“I think my pants are too tight.”

“Sirius!” Remus was positive that he would end up killing Sirius one day. Perhaps, if he was lucky, one day soon. 

“What? Oh, children.” He managed to make it extremely clear what he really thought about the idea of purposeful procreation in those two words. “Why the bloody hell would I want children? I suppose I could sell them… Is there a lot of money in children, Moony?” 

Remus could only shake his head in despair. “You’re hopeless.”

His friend, however, was getting quite excited by the idea. “Nah, I’m serious, and I don’t mean ha-ha-pun-on-my-name-Sirius. I could make dozens of children and sell them to the highest bidder.”

“That’s a very bad plan. What would you-“

“It’s a fantastic plan.” He cut Remus off, bouncing off the sofa and onto the floor in delight. “Have a lot of sex, make a lot of money, do a lot of nothing! They’d all be gorgeous of course, being my kids.” 

Privately, Remus had to agree. “Lacking in modesty too, I think.”

At this moment Lily Evans, current girlfriend of the rather jealous and revenge-seeking James Potter, walked into the room and into Sirius’ little fantasy. 

“Oi, Evans. I’m starting up a children-farming business and need to have a lot of sex. Want to help?” 

Remus ducked down in his comfortable seat, muttering quietly to an oblivious Sirius, “Prongs is going to kill you.” 

Lily, who was used to Sirius by now – he was a piece of the common room décor – let the rebuttal slip easily off her tongue. “I’d rather sleep with the Giant Squid, thanks” she called back, walking up the stairs to the seventh year girls’ dormitory. 

Sirius turned around to find that his occasionally hairy friend was hiding under half a dozen sofa cushions, waiting for Hurricane James to hit the room and Sirius’ face. “Moony,” he tugged on the only visible part of Remus’ robes. “Is it wrong that I’m turned on by that?”

“Paddy, everything about you is wrong.”

From his hiding place underneath the pillows, Remus really wished he hadn’t heard Sirius’ next words. 

“Mmm, tentacles.”

Damn werewolf hearing. 

-

“So, what is this I hear about you wanting to start a kiddie-farm with my girlfriend?” James, looking decidedly windswept from flying outside, plopped himself down on the bench at the Gryffindor table and began helping himself to the slices of chicken on Remus’ plate. 

“Get your own lunch, Prongs.”

James grinned goofily at Remus before turning to glare across the table at Sirius. “Well?” he demanded. “Explain yourself, you lecherous fiend.”

Sirius chocked on his steak and kidney pie. “Lecherous what?”

“Fiend. F.I.E.N.D. Fiend.” James gulped down a glass of pumpkin juice. “Lily’s trying to get to me broaden my vocabulary.” 

“And so you use fiend? Why didn’t you call me a scallywag, or a brute, or a dashingly handsome and amazingly talented rouge?”

“Because I wanted to find out what you tried to have sex with my girlfriend, not get in your pants.” He paused to take a carrot off of Remus’ plate and had to use his Seeker reflexes to avoid getting his hand speared impaled by the pointy end of Remus’ fork. “So, as I was saying, explain yourself, you lecherous shit-bag.”

Sirius helpfully pointed out that James didn’t already say that. 

“Paddy, you see this stake knife? If you don’t answer my question as to why you wanted access to my girlfriend’s pants, I am going to cut off your knob.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I would.”

“You wouldn’t.” 

“Oh, I would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would.” 

“Wouldn’t.”

“Wou-“

“For Christ’s sake!” Remus couldn’t take it any more. “Would you both shut up?! And James, in Merlin’s name, if you want them, eat them. Just stop fondling my meatballs!”


End file.
